A letter from the Kurgan
by Ascari
Summary: The Kurgan writes a letter about some things that really bother him - UPDATE: A letter from the Horsemen to the Kurgan
1. Default Chapter

_**Standard disclaimer: the concept of Immortality and the Immortals belong to Rysher and are copyrighted by them. This story is for fun, not for profit.**_

_When I read your kind reviews for my fic 'Nightmares in Paris', I came up with the idea of this short story; it's a letter from the Kurgan to all of you. For all readers who have not read my other story: I strongly suggest to read it first (and maybe also the reviews) or else this story will make less sense. _

_Much thanks to my beta-reader Neoinean for correcting all my mistakes - I really appreciate it!_

_Hope you like it! (I will very likely add another letter to this fic: this time from the Horsemen to the Kurgan). And as always: review would be great :-)_

_This story is rated R for some bad language_

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**A letter from the Kurgan**

Hi guys,

If you are wondering who is writing you this letter today, then let me tell you: it's me, the Kurgan. Maybe you want to know the reason I'm writing you; it's because I heard that someone has written a story about me, and I decided to check it out.

And what shall I say... I'm a man of great humor - you all know - but this was not funny at all... it was totally impudent instead - that fucking bitch of an author, how could she dare to let Connor, the stupid Highland-bastard, call me uncle? ... UNCLE Kurgan!!! For this impudence alone she would have deserved a long and very painful death, but this wasn't enough humiliation, I had to suffer. No, she _let_ – as someone called it without any respect– 'my behind being kicked' by five little kids... KIDS!!!!

That's... that's... I really can't find words for that... but you haven't believed her stupid lies anyway, right? I mean I'm the Kurgan, the evilest guy on earth; I would - of course - have torn the little brats to pieces in seconds... and that without blinking... with my bare hands. Do I need a sword to slaughter my victims? I say no, I easily can do without.

But this little shit of an author, how dare she... grrr... Don't concern yourself with her any longer, I don't think that we will hear of her again :-)

And some words to you other guys: don't think that I have forgotten about you. I have read the reviews you have given to her, and I don't like the way they sounded. To be honest with you, I'm really pissed at you... and I'm not a man you should mess with. I know your names now, guys, and I have lots of time to find you. I suggest you go and find some hiding place for you, and you better look for a good one, a very good one, because I have a very, very long memory...

And now, I want to talk about some other things that bother me a little bit, some points that - let me say - need discussion. To be a little more specific: I have heard that someone called me only 'second best'... I tell you something: I pay you a visit, and then I show you 'second best', you little shit.

OK, now that this is settled, I want to ask you a question, a question that really has been bothering me since my childhood: why doesn't anybody like me? I mean I'm a bad guy, a really bad guy, but even I have a soft spot and... and... hey, I really don't get it: why does everybody have a fan club except me? I mean, both fucking Highlanders have one, the priest had one, and don't forget the Horseman, they have several... so, why not I?

Ok, some people say that I'm not as stylish as Kronos, but this is not fair. I stood hours in front of my mirror thinking very hard about a new and imaginative haircut... and I really think I came up with a cool one. Wasn't that bald hat sexy? ... And do not forget my cool black leather outfit; didn't I look really evil?

Look at the Horseman. Hey, do you really want to say that these guys look bad? Ha... Look at Methos, does HE look evil? No, definitely no... And Silas? Ha, you must be joking; this stupid fool, evil? ... There are also some guys who think that Kronos looks scary with this little scar over his eye. Hey, look at MY scar!!!! Who has the bigger one? Definitely ME.

And they also painted their faces to look more evil...Ha, more evil; I laughed at them as I saw the child-like-paintings for the first time. Hey, I don't need a painting on my face - my face IS evil!

There's also another point I don't think is right and needs discussing. Most people say that the Horsemen were brutal killers, who killed and slaughtered thousands of innocents, plundered hundreds of villages. Ok, I have to confess that this may be right, but does that mean that I have done less horrible things, killed fewer people? I tell you something, it's not fair to compare us, they had much more time to kill than I, and they were four, FOUR!!! I was on my own, and it was not always easy, I can tell you...

Another point I want to speak about is the fact that everybody – even all mortals – know the Horsemen but only few people know me... That's only because I never had good marketing that spread and blew up my story... I'm sure as hell that none of you guys know that Methos wrote the Horsemen-part in the bible himself... Yeah, you heard right, this little scum has made some 'entries' in the bible. Is that fair? No, I say no, it's not.

And there are enough other facts that should speak for me: I mean I'm the Kurgan, THE Kurgan. Have you ever heard of another Immortal who is called THE something? Doesn't sound that cool, really cool and evil? By the way, have you heard of the aliases Kronos choose? Melvin Koren? Who the fuck is Melvin Koren? Doesn't that sound a little bit gay? And his other aliases, forget it... Even Methos' Adam Pierson sounded more evil.

And the last point, I wanted to mention, is the following one: Someone, I don't want to say her name (she is dead, she only doesn't know it yet) mentioned that my fight with Connor had been nothing compared to the fight Duncan had with the Horsemen, that I sucked... Hey, I can only laugh at this; have you forgotten that MY quickening made the stupid Scottish fool believe that he had won the prize? Can you say the same of the other MacLeod? He even had two quickening –Kronos' AND Caspian's!!! So, what do you say now?

After what you heard so far, you surly agree with me now when I'm saying that if Kronos deserves a fan club, I deserve one even more. I tell you something: You join my fan club, and I don't kill you; isn't this a fair offer?

Join it and live - don't join it and die!

What do you think?

Always, Your _(The) Kurgan_

PS: I already thought about a club outfit, and I came to the decision that all my fans should have the same cool haircut and leather outfit I have... See you guys!


	2. 2

_And here is the answer from the Horsemen :_

_(Once again many thanks to my beta)_

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Dear uncle Kurgan :-), 

We, the four Horsemen, have read the letter you recently wrote, and we want to let you know that we don't like the way you are threatening our fans. Hey, accept it, we are the cool guys here; nobody wants to join a loser like you.

I want to ask you a question: could it be that you have mixed up the meanings of the words evil and ugly? I mean, look at you and then at us. We have everything you can only dream about: we are stylish, and we all look so much better than you (even Caspian, and that means something!) - better _and_ evil (you in contrary only look ugly).

Maybe your little mind hasn't figured it out yet: it's not only about looking evil (or ugly in your case); or don't you want to have many (good looking female) groupies? We have several (ok, maybe Silas and Caspian have not so much, but that's only because Caspian eats all his groupies, and Silas likes to stay with his animals). That's because we always make sure that we have cool outfits. Hey, we were up to date even in the Bronze Age (although steal weapons and armoury weren't invented at that time, we already had it).

And to your "imaginative" haircut: Haha, very funny, you do not really want to convince me that you needed several hours to create this ugly glad hat, do you? And you called it sexy... Ha! Look at me, then you will know the meaning of the word sexy! (And if you don't believe me, ask my many female fans).

You also mentioned your big scar; maybe I should remind you of the fact that you only got it because you were sloppy in whacking the Egyptian? But you surly repressed that, typical for you.

And some words to your so-called "cool name". Maybe you missed the little detail that 'The Kurgan' is not a name but a term. But hey, don't concern yourself with this; I mean you are even too stupid to realize that you have no real name, and that for about 3000 years now – even Silas is not that stupid! (By the way, Silas wants me to mention that he is NOT stupid) And you call my alias Melvin Koren gay – Ha! That's so laughable; we almost laughed ourselves crazy as Methos read out your letter aloud (ok, some of us already have been crazy, but you really can't blame Caspian for that; he had a bad childhood, and eating the brains of his victims was maybe not so good for his mind).

I tell you something: in contrast to you, I don't need an evil sounding name to pretend to be evil - I AM EVIL! But hey, I understand you; it's ok if you need a cool name for your feelings of self-worth. If I felt as worthless as you, maybe I would hide behind a name, too.

But on the other hand, I HAVE some cool names, or what would you call 'War'? Is there only one single person on earth who doesn't know war? I don't think so, but thinking of your 'name'...

As you admitted yourself, nobody knows you (except some watchers, but even these guys dated your birth in the 15Th century first). And honestly, is this really so amazing? I mean, the reviewers of this story were totally right, you are only second best - that's a fact. Accept it, you are a looser. The author of that story was right, too, when she wrote that we would have kicked your ass even as small kids with toy swords.

We always were the best and always will be. I mean, who ruled for more than 1000 years? Who was called the nightmare of the known world? ... And who made it into the bible and became famous? ... I will tell you a little secret, it was not you.

And to blame that on Methos's little corrections in the bible... Ok, I have to confess that he made some entries about us, but is it our fault that you lack the brain to have your own marketing?

Let me tell you something: terror is not only about violence, it's also about intelligence. It's not enough to slaughter your enemies in every evil way you can come up with; if you want to become famous, create a legend to your person, use your mind (but that's your whole problem, isn't it? You have none!). We never were only plain brutal killers; we had imagination, we slaughtered with intelligence (ok, maybe not Caspian and Silas, but the rest of us), and we also had cool, thought through, and very complex plans. And that's what made us famous – that, our good marketing, and of course our cool style.

You see, there are several differences between you and us; we ARE cool, and you are only a stupid loser - as the people called it very aptly: only second best (if actually).

Now that this is settled, we would like to invite you to our annual fan clubs meeting in Idaho, Monday at 8.30 p.m. Of course, you can also bring your fan club (if you can find a member; I think we have room for three more persons :-).

See you!

Your "End of time" (Kronos)

Rest

PS: I have allowed myself to also send you a CD together with this letter. On it, you can find the Kronos screensaver and a desktop picture for your PC; so, you can always look at my sexy body... You don't have to thank me for this little gift, it goes without saying.

PPS: You also wrote that Connor thought himself to have won the prize after he had gotten your quickening; hey, you can't really blame us for him being an even more stupid fool than you!


End file.
